“I wish I had let myself be happier.”
“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
“I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.”
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying ~ Bronnie Ware
Some people are born knowing what they want to do in life.
They hone in on their life’s calling at a young age, without question. Nothing can stop their pursuit of their unique contribution to this world. There is no question about what they should major in, what job they should take, what their five- and ten-year career plan will be. They already know, the only question is how to get there.
I am not one of those people. My admiration for these passionate souls is deep.
The rest of us have some work to do to get there. And it’s quite possible you do not have only one passion. Or that your passions will change over time. There is no single journey to discovering pursuits that excite and energize you. It is, however, your deep and profound responsibility to discover these pursuits and push towards them. In the end, prioritize happiness. It is the only thing that really matters.
The only requisite is to find activities that give you a state of flow. That bring joy to your life, where time disappears and a sense of satisfaction in the journey and the end result is profound.
For those of us not born knowing our life’s goal, this is a difficult task. It’s a task I still struggle with. But one I am fortunate to pursue.
There are a few things that have helped me on this journey to prioritize happiness. I do find reaching a sense of balance in the rest of my life, while not necessary, certainly helps. Having a sense of financial stability and independence along with a lack of attachment to tasks and things that don’t add meaning to my life give me a strong foundation. The desire to optimize my physical and mental health, the drive to be balanced in all areas of my life and the desire to increase my curiosity helps me stay energized and engaged in my world.
And these things that bring me passion and joy don’t have to produce, in the typical sense.
Spending quality time with my family and friends gives me a deep sense of joy. Not stressing out about things that won’t matter five years from now brings me a sense of peace. Living a life that is authentically mine, not something I think others want me to be, is a true source of happiness.
Most of us learn what really matters the hard way. Or when it’s too late.
While I had a suspicion I was wasting my valuable time going through the motions in life, it didn’t really hit me until I lost my dad to cancer. And even then, it wasn’t immediate. I’ve heard many people try to describe grief, which may be a fools game since grief is very unique to each individual. But to me, hearing it described as a series of waves was very accurate. The immediate waves are high, with crazy undertows and currents that you cannot fight. And just when you think you’re back on even footing, another wave will crash into you.
Some waves are expected. Like the waves that come around significant dates. For me, my dad’s birthday, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the day he died have predictable waves of various sizes. Other waves come out of nowhere. Perhaps a song or smell that piques a memory. Sometimes the waves bring happy tears, and sometimes they bring difficult-to-control sobbing tears. But after each wave, there is a calm, and a sense of peace. At least this has been my experience.
It was after one of these lesser waves when I started to question my life. I was in my mid-thirties, working a stressful job, paying off bills for things that I didn’t really need, living a life I thought was good and responsible. Being “the responsible one” was the cross I bore.
At least that’s what I thought. In truth, I was not being responsible. Rather, I was being what I thought “responsible” looked like. With a high power/status/pay job, living in a posh neighborhood with a high-end condo furnished with high-end items.
Problem was, while I had many high-cost and high-quality things, I had very few high-quality moments in my life. You know, the moments that become memories. I did not prioritize happiness and what was really important in life.
I made very little time for my friends and family. Twice a year I would travel to visit my family during Thanksgiving and Christmas, still keeping an eye on my work phone “just in case.” My old friends from school were friends with me on social media, and perhaps once a year we’d make a point to get together and share an evening. At the time, I always struggled to take the time needed to get there, but after getting together, I was always so happy I did. Free time was spent improving my career skill set in an effort to increase my salary, status and title. It was not spent on hobbies I enjoyed, healthy habits, or building new friendships.
And in a very sudden way, I realized how one dimensional my life had become. How little time I spent trying to prioritize happiness. All that time I spent checking my work phone while visiting my dad was time I was not making memory-moments. Now that opportunity was gone. I discovered why time is truly the most important resource. A non-renewable resource at that.
That is the purpose of this blog. And my personal journey to be just one percent better. We cannot change the past, but we certainly can learn from it and improve. It’s hard. Change typically requires us to face inner demons that we’re really good at silencing. I’m convinced that most “typical,” consumer-driven, mindless lifestyle choices are actually a way to silence what bothers us.
We eat and drink heavily to get a moment of pleasure. Shopping becomes a pastime that gives us a sense of control, lets us show status to people who don’t matter, and makes us feel good. Jobs that we took in our youth become careers that we never intended to pursue. Rather than changing course, we choose the path of least resistance by staying the course. We convince ourselves that our job title is a part of who we are.
It wasn’t until I came out of an unexpected grief-wave that I started seeing my choices for what they were. Understanding the unhappiness they were covering up. And accepting that I had all the control in the world to make changes in my life.
The changes I made initially weren’t super dramatic. I didn’t immediately quit my job and move across the globe (although that was tempting, and I admire the brave souls that go this route). No, I made a series of changes that helped me position myself to maximize my freedom and personal time.
One powerful thought I occasionally entertain is this:
- What would someone say at my eulogy?
- And how would my obituary read?
- When I die, how will the people who love me, remember me?
- And on my deathbed, will I have any regrets?
The last one is the most important. Even if I don’t accomplish everything I want, making the effort is what counts. Who cares if one of my screenplays does not become a movie? What matters is I write a screenplay I am proud of, and try.
I cannot tell you what really matters. Why freeing up your time is important, and why you should pursue a life of clock-freedom. Everyone’s answer is very personal and unique. And everyone will find that their answers prioritize happiness.
What I can tell you is this: the pursuit is absolutely worth it! Every step towards this personal clock-freedom will enrich your life.
I wake up earlier than I ever did when I had a corporate job. When my alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning, I hop out of bed excited for the day. Every morning, after some coffee and light reading, I pick my mom up and we drive to a local park for a morning walk. A few days out of the week, I take off for a run and meet back up with her afterwards. On the other days, I hop on my bike after our shared walk. We get to spend quality time every day enjoying nature, some exercise, and ourselves.
When I come home from some socializing and exercise, I take a shower and make a healthy, homemade breakfast. Maybe I do some chores, but I prioritize happiness and focus on my hobbies. Lately I’ve been writing more. When I was in college I dreamed of being a writer, but was discouraged by adults who said this was a waste of my skills. I would never make any money, and always be a starving artist. As an adult, I’m okay with that.
Occasionally, I take a peek at my real estate investments, tweaking my investment strategy as needed. When my tenants need something, I coordinate repairs or answer questions. Every month, I take a look at budgets to make sure nothing’s gone crazy. Otherwise, I try to keep money off my mind. That’s not the important stuff, but it does allow me to focus on the important things.
Every evening, I sit down with my boyfriend for dinner at the table. Even if we’ve been together all day, we enjoy a meal and an occasional glass of wine, and wax on about our day, the news, our family and our adorable dog. Since I have more time, I focus on our communication more. I have to accept my shortcomings and how they affect us. That’s okay, no one’s perfect, and we’re both doing our best. This daily effort makes us stronger, and in my opinion, makes our relationship more fulfilling.
And there’s still some work I need to do. I’m not great at staying in touch with old friends. Some old friends have drifted away for a reason, and that’s okay. Others are still dear to my heart, and I want to make space for them in my life. I’ve been making new friends who share healthy habits with me, and want to continue building a strong social circle with like-minded people who prioritize happiness.
I want to become an athletic person. Maybe dare to call myself a writer one day. I’d like to learn Spanish, and maybe live in a Spanish-speaking country for a gap year one day. Perhaps visit all seven continents before I die. I’d like to know something, anything, about my car, and not feel like auto mechanics speak another language. Growing a garden is high on my list, as is hiking the Kalalau Trail along the Na Pali coast in Kauai. And while I’m in Kauai, I want to try surfing, and kayaking along the coast during sunrise. I want to take martial arts classes, and be able to do a backbend during yoga.
Life has so much to offer. And everyone’s life to-do list will look different. Have fun coming up with things to try out. And accept that you will not like all of the things you try… that’s just life. While you’re trying these new things, be sure to take a second and enjoy the moment.
Talk to people you share space with and make a connection. Prioritize happiness in every moment when you can. Embrace your unique sense of style, humor, and taste.
And, most importantly, take the time to make those high-quality moments.
You know, those moments that become memories.