One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life is knowing when to let go of relationships. And, like most lessons, it’s one that I’ve had to learn more than once. One of the biggest reasons I’ve let go of relationships is simply because we outgrew each other. Or we started going in separate directions in life. And most detrimental, one person is stuck in the past, holding onto a life or time that is no longer there, while I am trying to move forward.
Recently a group of old friends from high school created a group chat trying to get the group together that weekend. It didn’t go well. Several friends have families with hectic schedules, and a three-day-notice is just not enough. Others live in other cities ranging from one to five hours away (Texas is big, y’all!). The elephant in the chat… a couple of these friends clearly had not moved on in life. And it was a little sad.
Julia*, the one who started the chat, didn’t seem like she had any other friends. Her and another mutual friend, Ralph*, still keep in touch and hang out regularly. And to hear them talk, our small circle of friends are the only people they really care about.
This struck me as odd in a couple ways.
While school-age friendships are unique and some of the best, I was surprised that these guys had not met any other people with whom they could build a friendship bond in over 20 years. I know it’s hard to develop friendships as an adult, but in 20 years I imagine some kindred souls would cross paths.
In the past 20 years, I have been pretty easy to find online. I’m on the “socials” (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, etc), and I’ve been connected to all of these friends for years. Yet, I had only heard from Julia and Ralph in the past six months.
Before the group chat, Julia reached out to me wanting to get together. This was probably six months ago. Shortly before the COVID-19 restrictions. I did not want to meet in close proximity, but offered to meet her at a local park. I go out to a park 5-6 days a week to run, walk, bike or swim, and anyone on my socials gets my sweaty selfie and gorgeous nature pictures in their feed occasionally.
For a few weeks, I reached out to her weekly to see if she wanted to meet at the park. She always seemed like she wanted to go, but never showed up. At first I thought she was self-conscious. She is morbidly obese and told me she walks very slowly. I assured her I just wanted a casual walk and to hang out. Found a park with a very short route and plenty of benches to stop and rest at, and very close to her. She seemed eager to become more active and lose weight, and I was thrilled to help out however I could, even if it was just to catch up with a friend at the park.
So I was surprised when she ghosted me a few times. I gave her an open invitation – any day in the week other than Sunday, and I’d meet her – and then I stopped asking. Perhaps I was putting pressure on her? That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I know what it’s like to be out of shape and be intimidated by fit friends. But I’m also thankful for a few friends who encouraged me at the beginning of my fitness journey.
Weeks would go by, she’d message me with the intention of going for a walk, then something would come up. She mentioned wanting to buy a treadmill. But couldn’t drive less than ten minutes to meet me for a half mile walk.
Another topic that came up in our online chats – how much she missed “the girls.” She’d ask me if I kept in touch, how people were doing. I was happy to fill her in on what I knew, as I stayed in touch with some more than others. But in the end, encouraged her to connect with them directly. These connections were just a click away. Surely she would enjoy chatting with “the girls” and catching up.
A couple of weeks went by, and I checked in to see if she’d connected with anyone.
Nope.
Again, things came up. But now she wanted everyone to get together for Ralph’s, birthday. Which was in just over a week.
I mentioned this could be difficult to pull off. And the more I learned about our friend, Ralph, the worse it got. He lives in a town about an hour from me and most of the group. In the middle of nowhere. Oh, and he’s an alcoholic. This bit of info came up in passing. I am sympathetic, but driving out to the middle of nowhere on a Saturday to drink is not really my idea of a good time. Apparently, I was not the only one. When Julia finally connected with the group and started the group chat (now only three days before Ralph’s birthday), no one was available.
Julia and Ralph were sad, but understood. They kept talking about the good old days. How they wish we could all go back to high school, not a care in the world, do nothing but hang out and get wasted.
Because, honestly, that’s what we did. I’m not incredibly proud, but we were losers. Many of these friends have grown and turned into wonderful people. But these two (and a couple more) really haven’t moved on since high school. Their days consist of making enough money to get wasted, and repeat the cycle indefinitely.
Why share this story?
It highlights an important, painful truth:
Stuck in the Past = Laziness
That’s it. No sugar coating.
If you find yourself wishing for days past, chances are you’re wasting your today.
I’m not saying you can’t enjoy memories. But if you’re stuck in the past, you’re not putting your valuable energy into making today awesome. Which will make future days amazing.
Looking again at this group of friends, the delineation is obvious. Julia, Ralph, and a couple of others just let life happen to them. There was no real plan or goal. These are the people who spend their entire paycheck before rent is due. Eat horrible food and get chronic illnesses in midlife. Let twenty years go by and wonder what the hell happened at their life. And stay stuck in the past.
Then there’s the other group. The rest of the group moved on. Found new relationships that fulfilled them, vocations and hobbies that gave them something to strive for. Some started families. Some started their own businesses. All have embraced where they are in their lives now, and cultivate good days whenever they can.
Guess which group is happier?
My goal in life is pretty simple – be just one percent better everyday. And one of the most powerful ways to improve each day and make each “today” special is to enjoy it. I take stock of my days, typically reflecting at the end of each day to understand what I did and did not like about it. Focus on the things I like about today, and try to do that again tomorrow.
This past week, I did my first open water swim. Several friends came out to the lake to support, and we ended up making it a thing. My partner brought his kayak, others brought food, and my open water swimming coach/friend and I took to the lake for an hour of swimming. She actually did more, but she’s a badass like that. We enjoyed the water, the sun, the friendship, and my dog acting a fool. I enjoyed the support of friends as I tried something new and expanded my triathlon training. It was an awesome day. I plan on having more days like these.
Reflecting on this past week, it was amazing! I ran bright and early and spotted deer. I hiked with friends at a local park. Swam in a lake for the first time, enjoyed friends and food under the sun. Yesterday my partner and I were recovering from slight sunburns, and spent a chunk of the day playing board games and making homemade vegetable sushi.
By reflecting on my past, I can make efforts today to ensure I get more awesome days in the future. I’ll coordinate one or two open water swims with my friend, and get a pass at that park to save money long-term. Will definitely coordinate another hike with the group – school is starting so we’re moving hikes back to Saturday mornings. A few runs next week are in the books for sure. And hell, maybe I’ll finally take my road bike off the indoor trainer and on the road. When we have a free day next week, I’ll have another board game session with my partner. And I have a stack of library books I’ve been meaning to get into, so I may just take a day and enjoy some reading in the hammock.
Oh, and of course, the finance side of things. I’m turning two units on my 8-unit this month, and will work to finish those and fill them with great residents. I’m also selling my duplex at the end of this month. Once that’s sold, I’ll be in a better financial position to refinance my 8-unit and perhaps purchase another residential multifamily before the end of the year. This is all in line with my annual investing plan, and affords me the luxury of freedom in my day-to-day life.
It took a lot of work to get here. I had to let go of a consumer-driven lifestyle, embrace budgets and house hacking, and eventually take the plunge into residential multifamily investing. All of this while working a full-time job.
Frankly, there’s still a lot of work to do! We have a really tight budget, spending less than $2,000 a month (we average about $1,500). I would love to bump our passive income up so we can get a really nice cushion and have a $3,000 monthly budget in the future. That’s why I make an investment plan. Every year, I write out my annual plan, and check in every quarter and adjust as needed in case market conditions change(I’m looking at you, COVID-19). That and my monthly budgets ensure my future is on the right track. Leaving me the time and freedom to enjoy my “today.”
And if I ever find myself going further than reminiscing and getting stuck in the past, I start asking myself some questions.
- What is it about the past that I miss?
- How can I replicate that today? Next week?
- Am I missing something in my life today? Relationships? Hobbies? Health? Passions?
- When’s the last time I tried something new? Did I cross anything off my bucket list this week?
- Do I have goals that I’m excited about for this week? This month? This year?
- What am I doing today to make tomorrow amazing?
Life is too short to get stuck in the past! If you find yourself lingering in the past and not enjoying your present, try writing down what a perfect day looks like to you. From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep, write down what that looks like. A swim in the ocean? A walk in the woods? Yoga in your garden? Coffee with the sunrise? Wine with the sunset? Passionate sex before bed? Write it all down.
Now try to build that day tomorrow. Sure, you probably can’t move to the beach on a whim for that swim, but maybe a lap pool or lake is available. Or you can find a perfect spot to enjoy the sunrise in the morning with your beverage of choice. Rinse. Repeat. And try to get closer to that perfect day everyday.
And maybe that perfect day changes with time. That’s okay. Edit your perfect day and keep going.
Life is too short to get stuck in the past. So go make today awesome, and start building an amazing tomorrow!